Tag Archives: life

So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?

11 Nov

Since moving cities recently to change my life/perspective/career/living situation/relationship/lifestyle and so on I have been asked the same question a million and thirty thousand times…… “So, have you found a job yet?”

I shudder just thinking about it.

My answer – “NO! Piss off and leave me alone! I am sick of all the pressure you’re putting on me AHHHH!” – Then I run off crying and inhale a bag of Doritos quicker than you can say “CAREER”.

Ok, well that is what happens in my head but my actual, more composed response goes something like this – “No not yet, I am waiting for the right opportunity, I don’t want to settle for anything I don’t really want.”

There is some truth to this answer – I have been offered lots of jobs, in fact all the ones I don’t want and I miss out on the ones that are mildly interesting. I have noticed that jobs seem to fall into two categories – they are either great jobs that pay peanuts or the most boring jobs in the world that would allow me to have money fights in my gold-plated undies.

As results I have now been to more job interviews than dates in my life, which isn’t saying much really. My interview ramblings have been mastered into a fine art of carefully weaved bull-shit and enthusiasm that disguises my genuine disinterest in the shitty organisation I am pretending to want to work for, it is exhausting.

The “pressure” I think people are putting on me is also in my head. No one really gives a flying squirrel how I spend my days; it is just a point of conversation for them because they are too dull to come up with a thought provoking conversation starter like – “do you pee in the shower?”. But, what they don’t know is that they are derailing the carefully orchestrated Career Path Procrastination Strategy I am implementing with great success, until of course I am asked that dreaded question.

Just when I thought there wasn’t a worse question to be asked, I got thrown a career question curve ball that smacked me hard in the face and still has me severely concussed.

A few weeks ago I had an interview with Google… I know you’re probably thinking how does a lost mutt like you get an interview with one of the most innovative and successful companies in the world? Good question, I have no idea. But I did spend hours researching questions they are known to ask and constructing with witty, intelligent and imaginative responses as their interviews are notoriously difficult, nerve-racking and wacky.

I was feeling confident during my first interview, my ability to bull-shit had seemingly won them over them over – I demonstrated enthusiasm, made them laugh and convinced them I wasn’t a complete dead shit (not sure how?). But then, out of no where, I was asked the MOST daunting, difficult and frightening question in the world…. “So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

SHIT!

How on Google Earth did I not think to prepare for this question? I spent hours thinking of answers to questions like – “if you were a bread, what type would you be and why?” and coming up with explanations as to why I would be a loaf of olive sour dough and not enough time figuring out what  I want to do  my life…. Woops!

I didn’t think my instinct response “Fucks me!” was going to suffice, so my only other option was an awkward pause, a mighty big gulp and a scratch on the head followed by an explosive bout of verbal diarrhoea that made less sense than ordering a diet coke with a Big Mac Meal. A few days later I was told I had secured a final interview and was one of the two top candidates in the running…. were they crazy?

But, in the end, I didn’t get the job. I was disappointed but also relieved because I would have just been a glorified shit-kicker. Yes, I would be kicking the shit of the smartest people in the world but at the end of the day, everyone’s shit stinks. Would I love to work for company like Google? I think so. Would I love the opportunity to have a job to avoid figuring my life out? Absolutely!

But now it is back to the drawing board. Overall, getting interviewed by Google was a great t was a great experience and will probably be my biggest career achievement (how sad). The most valuable lesson I learnt during those interviews was knowing where I want to go, what I am going to do and how I am going to get there.

So, where do I see myself in 5 years?

Fucks me!

 

P.s I know that in a time of economic turmoil around the world, I am very fortunate to have these options, but I will continue to complain about my first world problems.

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Friends are like shoes.

11 Oct

I have many theories, none of which are based on any intellect, research or proven theory, merely observation and obscure analogies. I have the Bath Theory – reading a good book is like taking a bath, you avoid getting into it because of the time and effort associated with it, but once you’re in you think “I should do this more often”. Then there is the Quiche Theory – personal trainers are like quiche, 90% of them a shit but the other 10% are amazing, there is no in between.

Now, to my Friends Are Like Shoes Theory. In your 20s when life is busier than the days of  bumming around with your friends all day like we did at uni or high school and our individual friendships are strengthened because three-way phone calls are so 1990s. You begin to realise your friends bring something different to the table and that is why you love them. I think the sooner people realise and celebrate these differences, the happier and less disappointed they will be.

What am I talking about ? Well it can be summed up like this – I wouldn’t wear my studded stilettos to go for a soft sand sprint, firstly because that is completely impractical and secondly, I don’t sprint in soft sand. Let me explain my theory by telling you a story…..

My sensitive soul of a friend called the other day, lets call her Jane. She called me because she was upset because her friend, let’s call her Lucy, showed a lack of empathy or understanding when she was pouring her heart out about her family problems. Sad? Yes. Surprising? No. Lucy is the type of girl who will be too busy looking over your shoulder to find cute boys and counting the calories in her small serving of salad to notice the broken hearted friend in her foreground. Is she the type of girl you want to discuss anything other than boys with? No, absolutely not. Is she the type of girl you want to be with if  you want to go out and pick up boys? Bingo!

There are two issues at play here – Lucy is being an insensitive cow and Jane is setting herself up for disappointment. You need to figure out why you are friends with your friends and celebrate them accordingly. Would any of my friends call me if they want someone to join them for a mani/pedi while discussing the benefits of hydrating eye cream and low calorie diets? No. Why? Because I would have nothing to add to such a conversation, nor would I put any  illegal Vietnamese immigrate though the torture of touching my ugly, ungroomed feet. On the other hand, if my friend wanted to go out for a bowl of nachos and watch gymnastic fails on YouTube, I have a feeling they would call me.

So, my advice –  if you want a crazy night out on the town, call your party animal friend who will stay out on the d-floor with you all night. If you need advice about a boy, perhaps call the friend who has been successful in getting, and most of all keeping guys. If you’re in need of career advice, catch up with the friend who has is climbing the career ladder faster than the rest of your friends. If your dysfunctional family is driving you nuts, contact the friend who understands what you’re going through. If you want to know how many spin classes you need to do to burn off two sushi rolls, call Lucy.

H x